Delusional Reality
by schizo and proud
Summary: Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi. Cowritten with KupoWrath
1. Staplers

**DISCLAIMER: **We do not own D N Angel nor the characters, but we ARE responsible for coming up with such nonsense. Don't you just love the odd couples?

**_SUMMARY:_** _Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi_

**WARNING: Deceiving hints from Schizo... OOC AUness... fluff... other stuff Kupo didn't tell me...**

Schizo: Well, all right now! Our story we bring to you all... Um... Here:

**linebreakerholycraptheresanantcrawlingallovermykeyboardimgoingtokillitijustknowitheyitsurvivedcool**

_**Satoshi**_

A dotted line on my left wrist and the words "cut here" underneath it, this is my typical bus ride home. Besides watching, not stalking, watching Daisuke Niwa sit with his girlfriend (who everyone knows has been eyeing Dark Mousy) Risa Harada. It's the same old routine everyday; I practically have it by heart. Daisuke would tell Risa about her day, it was good.

"I had a good day."

Risa would giggle and say some gossip about Hio Mio or her sister, Riku Harada.

"Did you hear? Hio got sick. Over the weekend. It's kind of suspicious, no?"

Daisuke would nod because he agrees with everything Risa says, unless it has to do with academics. It doesn't take a genius to realize Risa isn't good in the academics. Anyways, Risa would flip her hair, laugh a little, and kiss Daisuke on the cheek saying how she loves being with him. Same old, same-

"Um… Daisuke," Risa changed the schedule? ", you know how you wanted me to study with you today?"

"Yeah?"

"Well… I can't." She fiddled with her fingers looking at her feet amazed by it (I was in the seat across from them).

"Oh. Is it a doctor's appointment or something?"

Risa nods in disagreement and said, "No. Daisuke, I… I found someone else."

"What?" I scoot a little closer to the edge of the seat thankful the kid with the cold near the window demanded the seat near the window when he came.

"I'm sorry Daisuke, but we can still be friends, right?" She was using the movie-liners. The feel-good break up liners that never make you feel good, and she was smiling. Daisuke attempted a smile and nodded, "Yeah… Right. Friends."

The last word hit him as Risa got up from her seat and made her way to her sister, who was currently dating Krad (some guy who claims to say playing drums in the school band is _not _an identity destroyer) (school band). Krad was sitting in the seat behind Riku, probably knew the break up was today, and elbowed Dark. The famous Dark Mousy, that wasn't a jock (ha! Like Dark could be a jock), who won the hearts of any girl he desired. Hell, he scored a librarian girl one time. I think because he needed help in biology. The bastard.

Turning back to Daisuke, I sighed telling the kid with the cold behind me that I was going to protect myself from illness and sit with a guy I know. The kid with the cold said he hoped I got hypothermia. Nice.

"Daisuke?" I scooted in the seat keeping my space so he wouldn't be that surprised. He looked up sniffing a bit, "Hm? Satoshi…?"

"I saw what happened."

"You did?" He jumped looking around him, "Oh no! How many other people saw? This is terrible!"

"I know. I'm sorry… but many people-" I glared at those who were watching, "-were watching. Can't believe the _bitch_ broke up with you in public. She didn't even think about doing it in private."

"It wouldn't matter." Daisuke sighed, "Everyone would have found out eventually."

"Yes but-"

"She's with Dark right now, isn't she?"

"Y… Yeah."

"Typical. I should have known Dark would get to her."

"Well," I placed my hand near his on the bus seat, "You'll be all right."

"I don't know. I mean…" He looked at me, "I think… I think I might have loved her."

"You dated her for three weeks."

We sat there. Silent. Until the kid with the cold sneezed and said, "Shit! My algebra is all fucked up now!" It's nice to know our world is full of friendly people.

Daisuke sighed, annoyed with the entire situation and turned to the window. I reached out a hand to grab his shoulder and pull him into a hug when the bus stopped and there rang the raspy voice of the bus driver Ms. Mankovitz (she had the cold), "Haradas, your stop. Move it."

Both Daisuke and I watched Riku and Krad walk out first and finally Risa… with Dark. Dark smiled cockily, placing an arm around Risa and exited the bus with her. Then all eyes turned to our seat. First thing to hear: "I just won twenty bucks! YES!"

"Bastards." I muttered. Daisuke leaned his head back on the bus seat, "I don't care anymore."

_**Funabashi**_

First pole of the day, although it was three fifteen in the afternoon, this was our first pole. Keiji Saga, my boss, couldn't concentrate on our mission constantly distracting us towards stores, other people, and those conniving five-year-olds that were simply using Keiji to buy them ice cream when the ice cream man had came. It was my fault in letting Keiji near the children. Children should just never be around Keiji.

So here we were on our first pole to hang up the flyers for our new movie. Auditions were to be made and in order to have auditions, people needed to know. Keiji trailed behind with nothing to do but sing or ramble. He was ranting about plants at one point during our trip to this particular pole. Why was this pole special? Ask Keiji. He's the one who knows. Or at least… should.

Then I realized the pole was metal not wood. Dumbly looking at the stapler in my right hand and the stack of flyers in my left, I growled under my breath. I was not in the mood to have a trip in a limo with Keiji. The last time (five minutes ago) Keiji had remembered an old cliché romance movie and had begun crawling over to me cooing, "Get into the moment, Funi-kun."

"…and that's why ninjas are way better than pirates!"

"We can't put up the flyers, Sir."

"Why not?" He walked around the pole, poked it, and then cocked a head in confusion, "Has the pole insulted you? Did you insult the pole? You shouldn't insult poles. They get revenge. They have mind controlling powers and they make you run into them against your WILL and- wait no. Those are the trees. Precisely why you should hug a tree… like that man we saw in the park! Oh, remember that? What a glorious day that was. You were talking to me; I was ignoring you, and then the Kodak moment of the hugging tree man! Oh… What did you say Funi-kun?"

Why is it that the idiots are always in charge? Oh. Yes. They are the ones who talk rather than the civilized individuals who wait to speak, idiots take action. Action that usually doesn't have any logic in it whatsoever…

"The stapler can't staple through metal." I said.

"Staplers are dangerous, you know." He dug in his pocket and pulled out some duct tape, "You should always have duct tape! For fixing, for taping, for bondage-"

I snatched the red duct tape out of his hands and began taping the flyers onto the pole.

"No Satoshi… I just want to be alone."

"You give off a vibe that you're going to do something to yourself."

"I won't."

"Funi-kun, you-" Keiji looked over to the red-headed boy, "Hey! You match my duct tape!"

"…Huh?" The boy looked over to us as Keiji snatched the tape out of my hands and walked over to the boy. He was on the grass now, collapsed on his knees, and he looked up at Keiji who bent down aligning the tape to some of his hair.

"Yeah. The exact shade of red!" It was then when the blue-haired boy next to the red-head placed a protective arm in front of the boy. That was a wise choice since Keiji isn't exactly someone you'd want to leave your friends alone with.

"Would you like to model for the tape?" Keiji pulled out a piece, "I have a great idea of a photo! You, white screen, covered in tape. Nothing BUT tape. Oh… Perfect!"

I wonder if anyone truly thinks Keiji's ideas are artistic.

"N-No thanks."

"Leave us alone." Keiji then looked over to the blue-haired man and dug a hand in his right pocket only to pull out some other color of duct tape, "You look just like _this_ duct tape!"

"That's pink."

"…What's your point?"

They stared. I'd have run.

_**Daisuke**_

"Sir, I don't want to model. Thanks for the offer, but… no."

"Oh, but your hair is so adorable!" The blonde man, who I recognized to be the famous producer Keiji Saga, turned to his secretary, "Right Funabashi-kun!"

"Mr. Saga sir, we should really get on with our flyers."

"Perhaps you'd reconsider?" Keiji turned to me, "We have donuts!"

"No thanks."

"You don't like donuts? Who doesn't like donuts? What have you been DOING with your life? You are degrading your taste buds of the sugary substance! Think of it, you can never be in the police agency now! Do you know what the first test to being a police officer IS? It's a donut eating contest! You will FAIL. You will eat that first donut and you will choke and then they will kick you out because you can't eat a donut! You will never become a police officer!"

"I don't want to become a police officer."

"Oh. Well. Then… become a model and model for me! We have coffee!"

I sighed. This was never going to end…

_**Satoshi**_

It's not that I can't _stand_ other people flirting with _my_ Daisuke; it's just… illogical envy towards someone who has far better social skills, that's all. There were never any exceptions. Not even while Daisuke was—oh the beautiful term "was"—dating Risa Harada. During physical education (the class we were all doomed for since we skipped it during our freshman year), there were many "accidental aims" towards her head. Whether or not she was near the ball courts or not, they were all accidents… I swear.

"You don't even know our names." I scowled. Keiji blinked, ignored my statement, and continued to harass Daisuke onto accepting the job. It was when Daisuke finally grew tired of it (desperate in other terms) and searched around when he screamed, "Hio! HELLO!"

Hio was walking a dog, the one she walked every Friday, and looked our way sniffing. Risa wasn't lying about her having a cold. Daisuke quickly scrambled to his feet dashing over to her and in the next few moments it was Hio staring in confusion and handing Daisuke the leash to the dog saying, "Whatever…"

"Damn, we lost another one Funi-kun."

"What a surprise."

"Well… We'll just have to try harder next time! Now for the flyers! Did you hang them up?"

"We hung one flyer."

"That'll do!"

"We made three hundred."

And so apparently being the innocent bystander, Keiji walked over to Funabashi taking the flyers out of his hands and handed the stack over to me smiling, "We'll see you there!"

Why would I need two hundred and ninety-nine flyers?

_**Takeshi**_

Sitting at my desk drawing stick figures named Jay and Bob, I looked at the two and decided Bob needed to have radio active goop pour all over his body. The sexiness in that, no? Wait… Bob's a guy. Scratch that.

"Sorry I'm late." Satoshi walked in the office with a large stack of neon green papers and placed them on my desk, "I was attacked."

"What?" I jumped, "By what?"

"By Keiji Saga."

No explanation needed.

"So you got flyers for auditions?"

"Put them in the newspapers for tomorrow morning, it'll be a bonus."

I smiled nodding, "All right."

Satoshi was always one to think quickly. He was a year younger than me (I was eighteen), but he knew far more than I did. I knew the front and back of journalism, yes, no one could even _try _to top me in that category, but otherwise… Satoshi could handle it.

It was an admirable trait of his. He was fairly handsome too if I were gay. Sadly, I'm not. I couldn't be and would never be. I couldn't look at Satoshi, for instance when he dropped my stapler and went down to pick up, I couldn't find the way he bent down to… pick up… that… oh dear he was going real slow… so graceful… so… Um. He was picking up my stapler, nothing to it.

"Sorry," He muttered, ", it fell."

"That's all right." I was staring at the spot the stapler fell on, "There's some mail in the mail room you need to deliver."

"Okay."

"Then… after that you can give these flyers to the packaging room so they can put them in the bags already."

"Anything else?"

Bend over. Ah! _What?_

"No." I flushed, "That's all. You can… leave now."

"Okay." He grabbed the stack of papers turning around and walked away, "Good day, Mr. Saehara."

"Good day Hiwatari."

I'm not gay.

I'm not.

**linebreakermylittlesignaturetoallmyfanficsbutimcombiningbothsignaturestoobadkupoisnothererightnow**

_A/N: And that's the first chapter of our co-write! Isn't Scizo such an insanely good writer? ... Don't my stories suck compared to hers? I'm almost afraid to continue this.. BEWARE THE HORROR OF SUCKY WRITING!_

**Kupo**

Schizo: Don't listen to her. Review please.

Cheers- Steph


	2. Nosebleeds

**A/N(KUPO!):** Ok… First I need to clear up a few things!

Number one: Chapter one what written by Schizo (Steph)… This chapter was written by me! (Kupo) … The next chapter will be written by Schizo (Steph) and the chapter after that will be written by me (Kupo) and so on and so forth.

Number two: Anything in the previous chapter was Schizo's own insanity. (Like the pirates vs. ninja's thing, most of the duct tape thingy, and the other random things I can't remember at the moment.)

Number three: This is not a Satoshi/Daisuke fic… It is well… You should be able to figure this out by now… /evil, lecherous, grin/

Number four: …I dunno… I just felt it was my duty to put a number four right here… (Schizo: Four's my favorite number!)

**Reviews!**

**Lyrona:** **Kupo:** You can't command me to do anything! … Yes I did continue to write this story… but… I didn't do it because of you! … I think… And… Thank you! You like… reviewed all my stories . **Schizo: **I'm very easy to command…

**Hyper Chef:** **Kupo: **Keiji is my idiot! My sexy idiot! MINE! Dark, Bakura and K… Wow… That's… amusing… **Schizo: **Battle to the death: Dark vs. K. Who will win? (I'm sorry but K all the way…) DUN DUN DUN!

**Neko Erin:** **Kupo:** …If you laugh too much your head may explode… Keep laughing! **Schizo: **I almost spelled my name wrong… How pitiful… Keiji rules! Hm- Wait. Hey. Did we even HAVE Keiji in this chapter? **Kupo: **…No. O.o Heh…

**Shadow Vampiress:** **Kupo:** … Uhh… Read the Authors note for the answers to your question thingies… and… THIS ONE IS MY CHAPTER! BWHAHAHAHA! **Schizo: **Yes… Now you know I have a bit of an insane person in me too… I confess.

**KupoWrath:** **Kupo:** … Kupo… you are such an idiot! Why are you reviewing your own story! … Why are you responding to your own review? I DON'T KNOW! **Schizo: **(pokes Kupo) Cheese.

**Everto Angelus:** **Kupo:** I didn't say Schizo's chapter would suck, I said MY chapter will suck in comparison to her greatness. Read the authors note for answers… Dark and Krad… Aren't they going out with the bitche—I mean the Harada's? And yes… WE LOVE YOU! **Schizo: **Of course we love you! You give us FOOD- erm… reviews. There, no one said anything about your souls living off the life of your reviews… no.

**Berettaboy:** **Kupo:** …/gasp/ … RUDE MUCH! … I'll let Schizo take this one… **Schizo: **(blink) Then don't read it. Simple as that. And I'm not sure if you were in the "rant" mode, but you spelled Satoshi wrong.

**DISCLAIMER:** We don't own DNAngel… We don't own the characters… but… We did manage to put people together who you would have never thought possible to be put together… That's right… the metal pole and the stapler! They make such a pretty couple…

_**SUMMARY:** Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi_

**WARNINGS:** **Slight OOC AUness… Fluff… TINY amounts of POSSIBLE angst… Humor… Emiko…**

**Kupo:** MY CHAPTER! BWAAHAHAHHDOJKLHAHA…... Betchya never thought someone could spell a laugh wrong…

**Schizo: **(in mock sing song voice)I am doing math… I am doing math… and still have 28 problems to go… in less than five minutes…

**linebreakerdidyouknowthatifyouopenyourmouthandtrytodrinkwateryouhaveahigherchanceofdyingthanamangettinghitbyabuscoolhuh**

_**Chapter Two; **_

_Last time:_

_**Takeshi**_

Bend over. Ah! _What?_

"No." I flushed, "That's all. You can… leave now."

"Okay." He grabbed the stack of papers turning around and walked away, "Good day, Mr. Saehara."

"Good day Hiwatari."

I'm not gay.

I'm not.

_This time:_

_**Takeshi**_

"Yes you are."

WHAT! I snap around and find myself looking at my secretary, Kevin Thompson. He came from America… They sure have weird names there… I guess he took my horrified beyond all reason expression for a confused one.

"… You said you weren't… but you are. You're supposed to have lunch with the boss tomorrow." If I wasn't already kicking myself for saying that aloud, I would have been relieved.

"Right… Lunch… Sure… Yeah…" …Wow… Great going Takeshi. You sure proved how articulate you can be…

"Was there anything you wanted?" I look back up at Kevin and my eyes widen. He's sitting on my desk. He's sitting on my desk so… alluring… Sexy position… His head is leaned back exposing the milky white skin of his neck. His legs are spread, so inviting. He—WHAT AM I THINKING?

"N-No!" I shake my head and rub my eyes and temples. Not gay not gay not gay not gay… Looks as though I have a new mantra… I close my eyes and rest my forehead in the palms of my head. Today's going to be a long day. I can feel it.

My head jerks up and I sit up straight as I feel hands on my neck and shoulders, giving me a… massage?

"W-What are you doing Thompson?" I shudder as I feel his breath across my ear. Gods this is sexy—Not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay…

"You seemed a little _tense_… now are you _absolutely_ sure there's_ nothing_ you want me to do for you sir?" I blink at his tone. He's like… the office whore! I jump to my feet and spin around, looking at him.

"What is hells name possessed you to act like that!" I liked it… Wait! No! Not gay not gay not gay…

_**Kevin**_

Crap. I wasn't expecting him to respond like that. I saw the way he was staring at that intern's ass when he bent over! He has to be gay. MY LOVE HAS TO BE GAY! Overreacting? What's that?

"I uh… T-That's what the secretaries in America do!" I give a casual shrug. What? It's true!

"O-Oh… Ok… well… This is Japan. Not America. Don't do it again Thompson…" I frown. Why can't he call me Kevin? Call me Kevin please! At least once! It'll heighten the mood when I'm jerking off thinking about you!

In my head I'm striking about a million different poses, tears flowing freely down my cheeks and proclaiming my love for my beautiful Takeshi to the heavens… But… My body has a bit more modesty than my mind.

Damn body… Always betraying me. WHY MUST YOU!

"KEVIN! Are you there?" I blink and stare at Takeshi. How long has he been calling me? What do I care! He said my name! OHMIGOD! HE SAID IT! OHOHMYGODS! ILOVEYOUTAKESHIPLEASETAKEMENOW!

_**Takeshi**_

…My secretary just passed out from a nose bleed. I've never seen anyone pass out from a _nosebleed_ before. What odd creatures these Americans are… I get up and poke Thompson with my toe.

Maybe he's dead…

_**Daisuke**_

"Mum! I'm home…" I step inside and slide my shoes off, my backpack thrown over to the couch only to be immediately tackled by a blur of energy. Oh wait… That's just my mother…

"DAISUKE!" I grimace. This can't be good. Especially since she mistook my backpack for me… That poor backpack…

"I heard the news! Did she really break up with you? ON THE BUS! HOW COULD SHE! Why I oughta! Grr! She was never good enough for you anyway! I never liked her. She was always stuck up! And that ribbon she always wore! That just PROVES she's a slut! Are you ok Daisuke? Who cares about her! She's a nobody! We need to find you someone new! Someone better! Someone like that Marcie girl! The exchange student from France! I know her mother! She's a perfectly respectable person! I'll go call her now and set up a date then I'll call everyone in the town and tell them you have a new girlfriend!"

I blink as she runs off, back to the kitchen I assume. Betchya can't believe she said that all in one breath? I blink for a moment, registering what she said. …Break up? Bus? …Good new travels fast…

Never liked her? …You set us up! You said Risa was going to be the next president of the USA! …Why would she even want to go to the USA?

Slut? Ribbon? How does that connection even make sense?

Marcie? French exchange student? …Isn't she the one with the mustache?

Call? New… Girlfriend? … Crap…

"MOOOOOOOOOOM!"

_**Satoshi**_

"DON'T CALL MARCIE! I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER!"

"BUT DAISUKE! She LOVES you! Not to mention her mother is the kindest person on the planet!"

"NO MOM!"

"YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND!"

"QUIT TRYING TO RULE MY LIFE!"

"I'M YOUR MOTHER! I OWN YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! And in return I get to be pampered and loved and treated nicely and you have to do whatever I say…"

Then there's just a small, short, contemplative pause.

"WHAT KINDA DEAL IS THAT?"

I chuckle while listening to this. I left work on my break to check in on Daisuke. Make sure he got home alright. I ended up following, _not_ stalking, him for the last few blocks.

After hearing Ms. Emiko's… Rant… I quickly cut their phone line. We don't need Daisuke getting another girlfriend now do we? I mean… Daisuke doesn't need to be put through all that again…

"I DON'T CARE! I'M CALLING!"

"DON'T MOM!"

"Hello? MARCIE? You MUST go out with Daisuke! He just broke up with Risa! Well… Risa actually broke up with him, but that's beside the point! He loves you! He always has! He told me so two weeks ago when he first met you! You two will go out! Good! Yay! I'll tell everyone the good news! Goodbye Marcie!"

"Mom! How could you! I don't want another girlfriend!"

"It's too late! Now… Go pick up your bookbag dear… you left it on the couch. Mustn't be a sloppy husband!"

I swear I cut the phone line… I sneak around to the back of their house and check my handiwork on their phone line.

I _did_ cut it…

…What a scary woman…

_**Takeshi**_

"Kevin?" I nudge his shoulder a bit with my hand. I'm not a doctor… I never paid attention in health class… I've never seen anyone pass out form a nosebleed that seemingly came from nothing. Maybe this is normal in America?

"Kevin?" I lean my head down to check for breathing. I uh… watch that American show… CSI? Maybe he's hemophilic? Or is that necrophilia…

"Kevi-"

"Takeshiiii…." What? I blink and look at him. He's alive… and… sleeping? I raise an eyebrow and poke him again.

"Kevin… Wake up…"

"T-Takeshi… Please…" I'm curious now… I bend down lower, practically on top of him. I don't care. What's he saying? Tell meee…

"What is it Kevin?" I say softly. I wanna know!

"Takeshi… Harder… Uhn…" WHAT? I blink and look at him, not moving.

"Kevin?"

"Gods harder, Takeshi, harder! Faster…" What's he doing? Is there someone outside the door?

"Kevin?"

"GODS! I love you… Takeshi… mnhfgg…" I raise my eyebrow and jump up as I see him coming too. Well… I try to anyway. Somewhere in the process of trying to hear what he said, he seems to have got me in a death grip.

"KEVIN! Wake up!"

"Takeshi…" I groan as I lose whatever balance I had when he pulled me down and fall on top of him completely, our lips crashing together. My eyes widen as he makes a happy noise and flicks his tongue across my lips. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS NEWS IS HE DOING?

He opens his eyes and look into my own panic-stricken ones. With an unintelligent noise, Kevin pulls back and I scramble away.

"Takeshi…" HE'S STILL SLEEPING! Good god Americans can sleep… That's it…

_SLAP!_

"OUCH! What was that for Takesh— Er… Mr. Saehara?"

"Y-You were sleep-talking…"

And sleep kissing… "And sleep-kissing…"

_WHAT?_ Why can't I keep my mouth shut…? "Why can't I keep my mouth shut?"

OH MY GOD! I'm an IDIOT! "Idiot!" I shake my head and look up to a mortified Thompson.

"W-What did you… h-hear?" I force myself not to scoff…

Only your confessions of undying love and your horniness over me! And that kiss… I liked it… OH MY GOD I LIKED IT! Wait… one kiss doesn't mean I'm gay, right? RIGHT? Oh… He's still waiting for a response. Must lie must lie must lie…

"You said that you loved me and you were screwing me and then you kissed me…" Nice lie there Takeshi… Good going… I could have at LEAST said that he said the pink bunny slippers were going to take over the world with porn… Why didn't I say that?

"OH MY GOD! I DIDN'T!" He blinks and falls over, then jumps right back up to his feet. For someone who just passed out from blood loss he sure is energetic.

"T-That's what American secretaries do…!" I fall. I fell. I have fallen…

"What did I say about here not being America?" I can't believe I fell… I pull myself back up and brush off. Americans… Why do we hire them!

"Uh… right… I'll remember that next time. Gotta go!" I raise another eyebrow (what's that three now?) and shake my head as he kisses my cheek then bolts out the door. He said that's the American goodbye.

Wait… Who's that standing outside the door? Oh god… God no…

"Saehara?" I grimace and turn to the person in the doorway. Please let it not be—Shit. It is… My boss…

"G-Good morning, Ms. Ikari… Wonderful day we're having, no?" No is right…

"I heard… moans… and Kevin has a nosebleed… and, if my ears weren't deceiving me, he just expressed his undying love for you, did he not?" Gods I don't need this right now. I know what she'd going to try and do. That smile just screams it out.

"It was a mistake, he was sleeping, and that's what American secretaries do." Please buy it, please buy it.

"Oh dear… you don't actually believe that do you?" She's got that glint in her eye. This isn't going to be good. "You two should get together! You would make such a cute couple… I'd give him a promotion and you one as well!" I sweat drop.

"I'm not gay Ms. Ikari…" She frowns, her plan squashed.

"And why not? Have you ever tried it?" I blush.

"Of course not!" Her frown deepens, and then disappears.

"Ok then Saehara… I'll be seeing you for lunch tomorrow!" She turns on her heel and leaves before I can say anything. I sigh and flop down in my chair. She's been trying to set me up with every guy in this office… She thinks I'm gay.

I'm NOT gay!

Then why did you enjoy the kiss?

I don't know… I mean! I didn't! I swear!

Your tent says otherwise…

Tent? What? I look down at myself. Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

Ha ha ha ha.

Shut up.

You shut up.

No you.

You're gay…

Am not.

Are too.

Am not.

Are not.

Am too… DAMNIT!

Ha ha ha ha…

I don't have to talk… to… you… Am I having an argument with myself?

Yes.

Did I just LOSE the argument with myself?

Yes.

What's worse? Being gay? Or losing an argument with yourself?

Losing an argument with yourself…

That's what I thought too.

See! You're gay!

Shut up… Just… Shut up…

**linebreakeranddidyoualsoknowthatthisalgrebatwomathbookihavesucksassandiddoanythingtotearthethingapartnoyoudidnot**

**A/N:** **Kupo:** Now that my sucky chapter is over… the next one ill be by Schizo again and it won't suck like this one did. Suck… Suck is such a funny word. So many meanings. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck su--… Now it has no meanings…

**Kupo**

**Schizo: **Now I have TWENTY-SEVEN more problems to go! I'm so going to fail my math class… damn algebra II… DAMN IT!


	3. Uhhhh

**A/N(Kupo): **Another chapter… After… how long was it? Three months? I exaggerate… But I think I can speak for everyone when I say, "IT WAS ALL THE PENS FAULT!" because it was. The pens will be the downfall of society… They purposely make you make mistakes in your writing, causing you to fail a test and then that class and you get discouraged so you drop out of school and then start to work at McDonalds for less than minimum wage after taxes and you get so angry with the government that you go into your mothers basement (which is where you live) and use your science brains and that PEN to engineer a bomb that, once you set it off, destroys the state you live in, and other people get ideas so there's a whole chain reaction of angry kids setting off bombs until the whole earth is destroyed which throws the universe into chaos, creating a huge black hole where everything gets sucked into it, leaving nothing except for white...

Pens are evil.

**Reviews! **

**KupoWrath:** Kupo:…Just stop before you hurt yourself… Schizo:I'll get you a Band Aid if something goes wrong though!

**Shadow Vampiress:** Kupo: Thank you! And yes… school sucks… So does math… wait… Is School Math's whore? OH MY GOD! I THOUGHT MATH WAS WITH ENGLISH! Schizo: Math was already whore. You know what they say… Sex is like Math. You add two people together, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.

**MoonLightMare:** Kupo: You just KNOW that Emiko would say that… Schizo: My mother once threatened me with her frying pan—and toothpaste…

**Disco-Dancing on the Roof:** Kupo: I sure do! My account is: **KupoWrath** I ORDER YE TO GO READ MY STORIES! BWHHAHAH! Schizo: Oh my gosh! I finally get to reply to you. I feel so guilty that you review every chapter/story like a true fan and I've only replied to you… hmm… once? Well, yes, I love you dearly. (And the math problems were finished) (Obviously)

**Evil Overlord of my Own Mind:** Kupo/Raises eyebrow/ … Well… that was interesting… o.O;;; Schizo: Y'know, I don't think it's possible to make some nosebleed from dirty thoughts. My guy friend did a strip tease to his boyfriend and nothing happened… I'm still working on seeing that in real life though… one day… one day…

**Kitsu:** Kupo: Oh my… I'm sorry! You'll beta my chapters! I promise! Schizo: I think I told you once? I didn't exactly say too much about it. Sorry, as well.

**Moonlight Princess:** Kupo: We're working on it... Glad you like teh story! Schizo: Chapters will come… eventually… Hell, this story might just never end (wink wink)

**DISCLAIMER:** Do you HONESTLY think that we own DNAngel? Have you READ this story? If we owned DNAngel, you would be praying to the GODS that they'll let you die a quick and painless death, because the planet would be controlled by mechanical pencils.

**_SUMMARY:_**_ Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi _

**WARNINGS: …That's what you want isn't it? To know EXACTLY what's going on… WELL WE'RE NOT TELLING! …but uh… watch out for evil potatoes… **

**linebreakerflipflopflipflopigotmyhandonthespringcausethephoneisringingimjustafaceinthecrowdnothingtoworryaboutuntilsomeonesaysomgiknowyou**

**_Keiji _**

"NO!" Don't people understand the importance of broccoli? We're shooting a broccoli photo ad! The model has to do more than pose as broccoli! The model has to _be_ the broccoli, _think _like the broccoli, _feel _like the broccoli, _talk _like the broccoli, and _MAKE VEGETABLE LOVE _like the broccoli!

"I-I'm sorry, Mr. Saga. I'll try harder."

"Harder? _Harder?_ We've been at this for five minutes!"

"Sir, most photo shoots are an hour." My beloved secretary, if only he knew more about art. He is good looking though. Maybe I'll have sex with him sometime.

"He's not veggie enough for me." I swat my hand at the petty model.

"I can do it! I assure you, Mr. Saga!"

"You can? You are the broccoli! BREAK OUT INTO SONG! NOW!"

"Um… Um…"

"I don't hear _SINGING!_"

"_I am… uh… the broccoli… Please don't… eat me… 'Cause I'm just tooooo good! 'Cause I'm… broccoliiiiiii!" _

**_Funabashi_**

And then he starts getting into it… poor minded soul…

"_Yeah! Yeah! Broccoli, it's just so damn healthy! You can't live without me! I know! I KNOW! WE… ARE THE VEGETABLES!_" He waves his arms in the air slowly singing to the melody of "We are the Champions." Getting real into it, "_No fruit can beat us!_"

"I am sorry." Keiji stops him. He's good for one thing. Telling you when you suck. "But we are not singers, we are modelers. Go to a recording studio if you want to sing."

"But you told me to sing!"

"Get better judgment!"

There goes another one of our models…

"Well, Sir, you've done it. You scared off—yet again—_another _model of ours because you can't make sense even if you tried."

"Broccoli just isn't fashionable. Perhaps we should go political?"

"You know politics?" He probably did ini-mini-miney-mo when he voted.

"Of course, the potatoes," He says this while literally grabbing a few potatoes from the buffet table, ", used themselves and _SHOT _at the carrots!" He throws the potatoes at the bowl of carrots next to the ranch dip, "They were suicidal potatoes I tell you! Damn that fucking society, attacking **our **carrots. Why… Why… Why I'll eat those damn potatoes."

"But isn't that-"

He gasped, "Why you're right Funabashi! It's murder! Oh god!"

"But I thought they-"

"Right again! They committed suicide, so it's not murder… it's just… getting rid of the evidence…"

"Isn't that-"

"Illegal? Yeah. Oh dear. Potatoes are evil. Funabashi!" He grabbed my face, "Dress up like a potato. We're going to stick knives into your outfit and show the world that potatoes aren't good for you. We're boycotting potatoes!"

"You'll have some law suits."

"But we'll protect our society!"

**_Kevin _**

"And he just _HEARD ME!_ Oh _GOD!_ I am such an _idiot!_"

Drinking beer at a bar to let out my embarrassing sorrows, I belt out the incident that happened earlier today to the bar tender—who only asked if I wanted a napkin. He's cute, maybe I can get laid and over my love. Because surely now he doesn't want me knowing that I've been obsessing OVER HIM! OH GOD! WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK?

"Calm down! Calm down! I'm sure everything will be all right."

"NO! Takeshi Saehara is the man of all men, who's straight and beautiful and smart and funny and fucking hot and fucking Japanese hot and fucking Japanese rocker hot—okay, maybe not fucking Japanese rocker hot BUT HE'S HOT! YOU CAN'T SAY MY LOVE ISN'T HOT!" I'm grabbing the bar tender by the collar.

"Okay! Okay!" He tries to get away, "He's hot! He's hot!"

"BITCH!" I slap him, "HE'S MINE!"

"You can have him!"

"What? He's not GOOD ENOUGH for you? You're just a stupid bar tender!"

"Don't make me call the police, man."

Slumping my shoulders, I break out into a sob drinking the rest of my Jack Daniel's. Strong alcohol for strong heartache, that's my method. I mean, how could something so wrong happen to me? I did everything I was supposed to do to be good. I was a boy scout, I helped my mother take in the groceries, I got good grades, and I didn't fuck anyone until prom night, I did everything good! Why did this have to happen to ME?

"He just looked so scared… and guilty that he heard and did what he did and heard—but I didn't want him to be guilty for what he heard and did because I wanted him to like what he did and heard, but he _did _hear and do what he apparently didn't _want_ to do and hear, and OH GOD! I'm AN IDIOT!" I begin sobbing into my arms.

"Okay, well…" The bar tender takes my empty glass and begins washing it, "I'm sure he was probably scared and guilty because he… uh… _liked_ kissing you and he didn't want to seem like a pervert that he did when you were… what were you doing?"

I sniff and reply, "Sleeping."

"When you were sleeping," He finishes.

"You really think so?"

"Yes, yes I do." He gives me a smile, "Now you go back to him and give him a wonderful long kiss."

"But… but…" I rub my eyes, which must be red and horribly ugly right now, and say, "But he's straight."

"He's in denial."

"Are you sure I should kiss him?"

"Okay, well maybe not a long kiss, but a short one is good." He sets the glass down after drying it, "You gays, acting so dramatic. All you have to do is fuck him and he'll be after you like a disease."

Disturbing simile…

"I'd like that."

But an effective simile…

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Um…"

"I said… What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna…"

"What? You're gonna what?"

"I'm gonna get my man?"

"Oh, you'll do more than that. What are you gonna DO?"

"I'm gonna kiss my man?"

"Something better?"

"I'm gonna fuck my man?"

"What did you say?"

"I'm gonna fuck my man."

"Can't HEAR you."

"I'm gonna fuck my man!"

"WHAT?"

"I'M GONNA FUCK MY MAN!"

"YOU GO DO IT THEN!"  
"OKAY!"

**_Bartender _**

I wonder if I shouldn't have let that man out while he was drunk…

**_Daisuke _**

"MOM! Why did you make MARCY _my_ girlfriend?"

"Marcy is a beautiful Swedish girl!"

"She's French."

"Marcy is a beautiful French girl!"

"She has a mustache!"

"Well," She strokes the skin above my lip, "So do you, my little man."

"No I'm not!"

I don't know what to do. I've already received flowers saying, "Congrats on your new girlfriend and RISA'S A BITCH ANYWAY!" with p.s.'s like: "Also, if things don't work out with Marcy, my daughter is just perfect for you!" It's almost as if my mother trained her friends to be little minions like her.

"Ooooh! Darling Kiano sent you some cologne for your girlfriend, isn't she just sweet?"

It's the cologne my mother gave her friend's son on his birthday. Yes, it's very sweet.

"I'm breaking up with Marcy."

"Oh you can't do that."

My eyes widen, "Why?"

"Well, it's against the rules. No one can break up until the have at least gone on three dates and have kissed once."

"I didn't even want the relationship!"

"Well, Daisuke, I know I didn't raise a boy who would just go into a relationship for sexual pleasure."

"I didn't want sexual pleasure!"

"You're GAY?"

"I'm not gay!"

She didn't hear my last sentence apparently and turns around stroking her chin, thinking to herself. It's not safe when she's thinking to herself, especially since her thoughts (I assume) go at a 2.5 nanosecond speed. She turns to me and nods with acceptance, "It's okay Daisuke. I just want you to know that I'm okay with the fact that you're gay."

"But I'm not gay!"

"Well, it makes perfect sense now. Risa was just a cover and you're upset that she dumped you for a real man because now you have no cover, which is just selfish that she would put her high school love needs before your individuality of queer things. I just want you to know that I'm okay that you would do some love-love in the "down town" area with the hip-hop cowboys of the city. I'm just fine with that."

Love-love in the "down town" area with the hip-hop cowboys of the city?

"I'm NOT gay!"

"Oh, you're still debating it aren't you? Well, maybe Marcy isn't such a good idea. I'll go call her and tell her the relationship is off!"

"BUT I'M-" Wait a minute. "Um. Okay."

She calls Marcy, "Hello Marcy! I'm so sorry, but the relationship is off. No, it's not you, but it's my… it's my neighbor's fault. Her son is in love with you. Yes, go ahead and have a relationship with him. Everything will turn out wonderful. You'll have beautiful babies."

She hangs up.

"Okay, hmm… Y'know, I think Sakura has a gay son. I think I'll hook you up with him."

"I'm not gay! Stop thinking I am!"

"Or… or… Or maybe someone famous, that way you can get over your fear of not being accepted. Everyone who's famous is accepted if they're gay. In fact, they get more romance than anyone! Okay, Daisuke! Tonight I will go to the star party some famous guy is throwing and I will FIND you a boyfriend! Oh! I better change!"

"MOM!"

**_SLAM _**

We look at our door, which is on the ground being as how Satoshi kicked it open.

"MRS. NIWA! DAISUKE DOES NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND!"

"Of course not," She smiles, "He needs a LOVER!"

**_Satoshi _**

After being convinced (somehow, I don't know how) that everything would be okay, I found myself in my room. I don't know what happened. One minute I was yelling at Mrs. Niwa that Daisuke shouldn't get a boyfriend so I could keep him and the next, I'm in this room. What the hell happened?

"Shit."

I just realize that Mrs. Niwa is going to the party to get him a boyfriend.

"Now I have to stop her…" I sigh, "Again."

**_Keiji _**

I'm throwing a party for the vegetable ads and the potato boycott (which Funabashi looks dashing in the costume). I'm psyched! Everyone who's anyone is going to be there and everyone will HATE potatoes. Good bye French fries, adios potato chips, and nice knowing ya television nerds! Everyone is going to love this party.

"Sir, must I wear this?"

"YES!"

"Why do I stay here…"

**_Takeshi _**

I was walking home when I saw Kevin wobbling his way down the sidewalk. I know I just embarrassed him for the rest of his life, but it's not right to let someone I know walk alone when they're drunk. So, I walk over to him.

"Thompson?" I hold him from under the shoulders so we walk side by side. He lifts his gaze up to mine, "Takeshi… my love…"

"You're drunk."

"And horny." He wraps his other hand around my neck, "Mmm… very, very horny."

Shit. Don't take advantage of a drunken gay man… Wait. Why would I _want_ to take advantage of a drunken gay man? I have no reason to because I'm not gay! Not gay!

"Tee-hee, looks like the hotdog's cooking up down there," He giggles. Didn't know guys could giggle, but he giggles, "And I hope there's some horse raddish on it cause I'm going eat that plump meat nice and goooooood."

Oh god. Not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay… Don't get turned on…

"I'd love it grinding into my buns." He pushes me into a door, "Oh, oh. Lookie here, it's my apartment."

"No… You're… You're…" I gasp when he unlocks the door and pushes me inside, "Drunk."

"Takeshi, my love… we were meant to be. Stop pretending…"

"No." I'm not gay. I'm NOT gay. I'm not GAY! I'M NOT GAY! GODDAMMIT! SOMEBODY BELIEVE ME!

"I don't believe you." WHY?

"WHY?"

He giggles… again.

"You're standing inside my room." I turn around realizing I was backing into his room and just a few inches away from his bed. Oh… I've always wondered how sex was like with another… and Kevin is pretty… and… WHAT? NO!

"Thompson, we can't."

"Oh…" He leans into me grabbing my shoulders, huskily whispering into my ear, "Call me Kevin, Kevi if you want."

"Thompson…"

"Pretend I'm a girl, have your way with me…" So… so tempting…

"But… but I'm not gay."

And then he licks my ear.

"Oh, mercy."

"Are you gay _now?_"

**linebreakerhaeyoueverhadsomethingthrownatyourheadintheintentionthatthepersonwantedyoutogointoacomaiknowtheyshouldfuckingrunourworld**

**A/N:** Kupo: YAY! I GET TO WRITE A LEMON(maybe) FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! NOW REVIEW YOU NO SMEX FOR YOU! I MEAN IT! I'M CRAZY! I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Schizo: I was just too lazy to write a lemon… heh… but come on… Kevin and Takeshi getting it ON? You know you want some of that…

Cheers-Steph


	4. Buttpalooza

**A/N(Kupo):** ……….Muhahahahahahahahahahah! Another chapter babeh! It's about time don't you think? …Well… I got inspired… Just read, you'll know by what.

**(Schizo): **We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! YEAH! And we're just as crazy this time! Isn't it just wonderful? ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? OOOOOH! WATER!

**DISCLAIMER:** Still don't own it. I swear to all that is slashy and yaoi that we don't own DNAngel… I can't say that we don't want to… But we're working on it! …… We'll keep you updated… And when we do own it, we'll make sure to give you plenty of hot passionate gay sex and to kill off the twins. Oh, and plenty of hot passionate gay sex.

_**SUMMARY:** Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi _

**WARNINGS: Well… Let's just say that if your homophobic, cross-dresser-aphobic, S&M-aphobic, duct-tape-aphobic, computer-aphobic, pen-aphobic, nail-polish-aphobic, porn-aphobic… and... Well... I'm just ranting now. You should learn to ignore me. **

**linebreakerokaysothisonetimeiwaseatingamuffinwhenthebirdtotallyflewandtookitfrommethemotherfuckerillhuntthatpieceofshitandeatit**

**_Chapter Four;_** **_Buttpalooza_**

_**Takeshi**_

Oh… My… God… My head… I groan and sit, promptly landing in a pile on the floor. What happened?

I rub my eyes and blink a couple of times, trying to clear the grogginess from my vision. I'm vaguely aware of pain…

Pain? My… … oh dear.

My ass hurts. Hopefully from the fall?

Doubt it.

I look around, finally.

This isn't my house. Wait wait wait… What happened last night?

I close my eyes and try to remember. Kevin. Gay. Alcohol. Sex… OH SHIT!

My eyes snap open and I look around the room frantically. There he is. The offending gay man, laid out on the back of a chair. Not IN a chair. ON the BACK of the chair. Wearing…

Oh god.

An S&M outfit? He's wearing a pair of black leather pants… that doesn't have a crotch OR an ass. A tight leather bustier… And there's a whip held loosely in his hand.

Oh my god.

I look down at myself, afraid of what I might see.

I was right to be afraid.

I'm wearing a dress! Not those stupid pants that can be mistaken as a dress, a real fucking _dress_! Black, sleek, and hiked over my waist… Oh god…

I'm wearing heels too.

My ass really hurts. I look at my thighs, and there's blood. Oh god.

I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach into his bathtub. It's a bigger target.

I get up, wiping my mouth with a slight whimper before looking into the mirror.

Hmm… I don't look so bad. I turn slightly. Actually… I look goo—NO! HOLY FUCK!

"Oh God Damnit... I'm gay, a cross dresser... and I like to be spanked... What's next?"

"Takeshi… baby? Where'd you-_hic_-go?" Fuck, he's awake.

"I… uh… Went home?" …Well that was smart.

"Oh, ok… Damn… Well then I'm goin' back to bed." He HAS to be joking. Did he believe me?

Sure enough, in less than five minutes I can hear his drunken snores.

Strange creatures these Americans are.

But I gotta get outta here… I grab up all my clothes, ridding myself of the sex—er… ugly? … uhh… dress.

Right.

Anyways. I don all my clothes and make my stealthy escape by tripping over the coffee table on my way through the living room, where a very intoxicated and hot man is sleeping.

Fuck he's hot.

And still sleeping. I just tripped and crashed into the floor and he's STILL sleeping?

Hmm…

I hop around him, yelling out obscenities.

Nothing.

Hmm…

Twenty minutes later of countless yelling, screaming and moaning (What?), I decide it's time to leave.

"Bye Kevin." I kiss him on his forehead and head to the door, silently.

When all of the sudden someone tackles me from behind and knocks me to the floor.

"TAKESHI! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!" That kiss woke him up?

A fucking KISS woke him up?

…And now he's horny too.

This sucks.

"Fuck me…" Wait… I don't like that smirk on his face.

"Will do…"

Ah shit.

_**Daisuke**_

Why does this stuff always happen to me? My mother interferes with my life far too much in my opinion!

Wait? Why am I still here? I've got to go stop her from getting me a rich boyfriend!

…It's a twenty-four hour job protecting my loins from her insanity.

I walk over to the door, filled with the intent to burst into that party and bring my mother home before something goes wrong. I turn the handle and pull.

…

It's locked.

She LOCKED me in my _own_ room!

…My door doesn't even HAVE a lock.

I bang and pull and turn the knob and scream and yell and kick and yank… but it stays stubbornly shut.

Ah shit.

_**Satoshi**_

I know that woman means well, but she seriously needs to be checked into some sort of hospital or something.

This is just stupid!

I groan as I pull myself over the gates, unnoticed by the guards. Sadly, I had to employ the use of Risa Harada in order to distract them…

Bitch.

It's not an open party. I wonder how Miss Emiko even got INSIDE!

I hop down from above the gates, and straighten my jacket and tie. It's so much harder to jump a fence in a tuxedo. Now to find Miss Emiko before she does something that I'll regret… Like take my Daisuke away from me. I swear that woman needs some serious medication.

Trying to look casual, I slip into my cold demeanor and slide into the party, unnoticed.

Well, ALMOST unnoticed that is… If it weren't for that blonde idiot we ran into recently.

"HEY! You're that kid who matched my duct tape!"

I groan as all the attention becomes focused on me.

Ah shit.

_**Funabashi**_

"This is a GREAT party Mr. Saga! Just look at the turnout! It's amazing… A lot of pretty women in here for you to take your pick of, huh?" What an idiot. He was doing so well kissing up until he uttered the evil word.

Women.

"Good sir! You certainly don't mean these deranged _people_… I'd never stand for it! How dare you utter such blasphemy in my presence! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I SICK THE SUICIDE POTATOS ON YOU! I'M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE THEM OFF THEIR PREVIOUS MISSION FOR THIS!"

The man was so frightened at the outburst that he wet himself and ran away; not even registering what was really said to him. I sigh. I can tell already that it will be a long night.

"Sir, you should calm down… You are scaring your guests." Why must I always be the voice of reason in this relationship?

Not that there is a relationship.

And certainly not from lack of wanting.

…

I said nothing.

"Who cares? They're just here for the free food anyways." Probably… Who in their right mind would want to be near Keiji Sag—

"Mr. Saga! Oh it's so _wonderful _to finally meet you! You'll be _perfect_ for my son. This SLUT girl just dumped my poor baby and he needs a lover. You _must_ meet him. Oh! Here's a picture. He's such a cutey isn't he? So when will you come by? Tomorrow? At noon? Oh that's wonderful! I'll serve lunch and tea. My Daisuke will be SO pleased to meet you!"

…I still stand by my statement. No one in their RIGHT mind would want to be near Keiji Sag—

"Oh of _course_ I'll be there! He is handsome… Actually, I believe we met him earlier, didn't we Funa-chan? I'll be there tomorrow at noon. Don't worry about making lunch… I'll take us all out to lunch so we can better get acquainted! Such a cute boy."

…I just stand there and watch them go back and forth. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that these two were relate—

"Oh that sounds wonderful, but I insist. Lunch at my house. I refuse to take no for an answer. Then you can take Daisuke out for dinner! Oh! And don't forget to molest him on the way home! My poor little virgin boy… He's growing up so fast!"

I feel sorry for this poor, poor child. I bet he doesn't even know what his mother is doing right now—

"Wonderful! I love the sound of that. So your place. Tomorrow. Noon. I'll bring the wine and duct tape. You are a great woman. Your little Daisuke is so lucky to have a mother who cares as much as you do! I can't _wait_ to get my hands on this boy."

…I wonder how old this _Daisuke_ is—

"Perfect! So it's a date then. Oh, by the way, I'm Emiko and he's sixteen. So any sex plans you have might have to wait… Or I'll just look the other way! Wait? What sex plans? What were we just talking about?"

………

This woman is insa—

"Exactly! Well then, Emiko, I will see you tomorrow. Have a nice trip home. Oh wait! Here! Take a free silver platter! I have far too many."

Those platters are worth 600 dollars a piec—

"Oh THANK YOU! I will be sure to use it as lovingly as I would my own child! I must be going to prepare for tomorrow. I look forward to it and so does Daisuke! Toodles!"

Use it as lovingly as I would my own child? … What the hel—

"Bai bai dear! Oh Funi-chan, isn't she a wonderful woman! I can't wait to re-meet her son! He's that red-head we met while putting up posters… Oh don't you remember? He had the blue boy with him as well… I wouldn't mind getting closer to him too. This party is MUCH too dull for my taste. All the women should leave and all the hot men should have an orgy… Funa-chan! Lace the water with Viagra now! My orgy plan will come into affect in a half an hour!"

And he leaves. I sigh again. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with all this… and then I see his ass as he walks away.

Such a wonderful asset…

……

I said nothing.

"HEY! You're that kid who matched my duct tape!"

I whip my head around and find Keiji, pointing openly as the blue haired kid we saw the other day. He looks as though he wouldn't mind exploding right there on the spot…

Or maybe that exploding is meant for Keiji… Either way, he's not safe from the masterful Keiji Sage.

Who has just went over to him and started kissing him?

How DARE he touch what's mine! That blue bastard! I WILL KILL HIM!

….

This is NOT jealousy…

I simply don't want anyone to get in the way of my precious relationship with the sexiest man on earth.

COMPLETELY different from jealousy.

Duh.

_**Satoshi**_

Why the HELL is he kissing me? I quickly shove him away and wipe my mouth.

"What the hell do you think your problem is! You can't just go up to people and start KISSING the—"

"OOO! Let's dance!" I blink. A provocative techno tune just started playing, and someone turned on the strobe lights.

Suddenly, I realize I'm a tad too overdressed for this party.

Oops.

I have no time to linger on that thought, however, once a _very_ eager Saga Keiji starts to press up against me in some twisted form of dancing.

Oh well. Maybe if I befriend him, I can talk him out of going after Daisuke…

Always the logical thinker here, you know…

I begin to dance back, much to the delight of Mr. Saga. After a moment I glance around, completely startled by the death glare being sent to me by a young man with black hair.

…

Mr. Saga's assistant…

What a wonderful turn of events.

_**Daisuke**_

"MOOOOOM! LET ME OUT ALREADY, PLEASE? DAD? GRANDPA? ANYBODY!"

This has been going on for a little over an hour now. Yelling isn't doing anything other than giving me a raw throat… But I'll be damned if I just sit around while my mother is trapazing around the town trying to sell my virginity!

Wait.

Is "trapazing" a word?

Oh well. It is now.

I groan and walk over to my window, resting my hot and sweaty forehead against the cool comforting glass. It's nice and cool outside… So hot in here. I reach forward and open the window, letting the chilling breeze wash over me for a few minutes.

Mm… Wait…

Window?

Breeze?

……

If I thought I felt stupid when Dark surpassed me on a math exam, that is NOTHING compared to this moment. I shake my head quickly and jump out of the window, landing on the tree next to it and climbing down gracefully.

Well…

Gracefully until I got to the ground and tripped over a root.

I regain my footing and brush the dirt off of my clothes. I was out of the house. Perfect!

But now I have one little problem.

I have no idea where my mother is.

_**Kevin**_

"Oh… oh… OH KEVIN! Uhn…"

…

This is the best day of my life.

_**Funabashi**_

I can't believe I'm doing this… But it's the only thing I can do to get closer to Keiji and Satoshi and EXACT MY REVENGE!

….

What? Did you expect me to stand around by Keiji all day, everyday and not lose my mind?

Well you are wrong.

Very, _very_ wrong.

I usher the women outside, promising them that Keiji is on his way… Before I close the gates and lock it, grinning madly.

"Goodbye dears…"

I walk back inside, grinning evilly in my head while the women scream and bang against the gate.

_**Saxon**_

…This water tastes funny…

_**Keiji**_

This boy really knows how to move… But he's wearing the ENTIRELY wrong clothing! Though… I have to give him credit. He's the only one who sticks out.

GASP!

I LOVE this boy! He knows how to draw attention to himself!

I smirk and push up against him, fully enjoying this fast paced song… And by the look on his face I can tell he is too.

I can't wait. Five more minutes. Mwhahahahahah

Suddenly, the song turns off, leaving us with a deafening silence.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Ok! Let's all retire to the back room, shall we?" I grin and begin to lead the way, pulling blue-boy along with me.

This is going to be grand…

_**Funabashi**_

Now to set my plan in effect! I must somehow get Keiji's attention away from the blue-headed whore…

But how?

I pace back and forth in the modeling room we were using earlier, thinking of how to get his attention.

Run in naked?

No… I'd get raped by all those men that are drunk on that Viagra laced water…

What do I do?

I groan and sit down on the floor, thinking. I stare absentmindedly at the broccoli outfit that poor shmuck was wearing earlier…

And the potato suit right next to it…

….

Perfect.

_**Olly**_

…I like this room. It's dark and there's a huge mat on the floor… and… Hot guys are everywhere.

_Everywhere_…

Suddenly I'm grabbed by this guy next to me, and he starts taking off my clothes.

"I'm Saxon… I'm gonna fuck you."

I groan, my hard-on getting even worse.

"I'm Olly… and please do."

_**Satoshi**_

Holy shit!

I look around the room, watching men fall over themselves to start molesting the person nearest to them.

………

Oh shit. I'm in an orgy room!

I pull back, stunned when a man grabs my ass and tries to pull me toward him.

I'm slightly less stunned when I realize it is Keiji.

But, that lessening in being stunned is replaced, and heightened, by being stunned because Keiji is only in his thong…

…I didn't want to know he even OWNED a thong…

Not that he doesn't look bad though. I groan slightly as he cups my erection.

Wait… Erection?

…

I look around, everything clicking in my brain.

I KNEW that water tasted funny.

_**Funabashi**_

"KEIJI! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THAT DISEASE INFESTED BUTTPALOOZA FUCKER!"

I burst into the orgy room, completely ignoring the piles of naked and sweaty men on floor, and they ignore me. It works.

I search for Keiji, and I see him kissing that blue SLUT! I growl and grab a random article of clothing off the floor, which happens to be a sock, and run over to the two.

"BASTARD!" I rip the blue kid away from MY Keiji and punch him in the jaw, right before I shove the sock into his mouth.

"…Funa-chan? …Are you wearing a potato?"

I KNEW HE'D PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

"Why, yes of course?" I turn to him, batting my eyelashes. "Do you like it?"

"It's BEAUTIFUL Funi-chan! You would make a WONDERFUL model! Why didn't you ever try it?" He's getting closer to me. I love it!

"Well, I was always your… uhh… Secretary?" I smile at him, getting closer to him as well.

"Well maybe we should see the body underneath the potato and the suit?" He grins lecherously. I couldn't be happier…

Until I hear it…

_RIIIIIIIIIIIP_

What the hell? I look behind me and see that insane blue kid holding a knife, and glaring at me with daggers in his eyes before throwing a nasty, wet sock in my face.

"YOU BASTARD!" And he jumps me and lays a hard punch on my nose.

All I can think about it Keiji… Standing next to us… Looking on and squeeing with glee.

_**Daisuke**_

I trudge back up to my room, escorted by my mother who is talking animatedly about my new lover. Evidently, I failed in my plans to stop her. I sigh.

"—ou'll love him! It's Keiji Saga! The hottest and sweetest man on earth! And he's coming over tomo—"

That's where I started, and stopped listening.

Keiji?

Saga?

…That guy we met the other day?

……

At least he's hot.

Suddenly, I'm tossed into my room.

"Get some sleep Dai-chan! He'll be here tomorrow to de-virginize yo--...er… Go on a date with you!"

I sigh and lay on my bed.

Well this is just dandy.

_**Keiji**_

Oh they're fighting over me! Oh I LOVE it!

_**Satoshi**_

That goddamn potato freak! Why the HELL did he fucking start hitting me! I knee him in the groin and stab the potato suit again before storming out of the orgy room.

Well…

Not before I caught ear and eyefuls of the most erotic porn you could get…

_**Takeshi**_

"Oh my god Kevin! Don't stop… p… please…" I can't believe I'm begging… But...

Oh god…

It should be a sin to be able to do that with your tongue.

"Oooohhh…"

_**Saxon**_

I groan as I slide into that wonderful heat of this random cutey… Olly was it? He's so fucking cute. That boyish hair, and those startling green eyes.

Mine.

I push in and out of him, slowly, until he's whimpering and moaning. All for me.

Mine.

I give in and thrust erratically, somehow hitting his spot over and over. He's reduced to a pile of flesh, sobbing in pleasure.

He can't take much more… And it's because of me.

Mine.

I snake my hand down to his erection and start jacking him off in time with my thrusts. Soon, he comes with a loud shout, ending with the cutest whimper ever…

The noises he makes pushes me over the edge.

Mine.

I collapse on top of him, nibbling his ear. He moans quietly and licks my cheek, causing me to shudder.

Definitely mine.

**linebreakerihatesurprisesunlessitsthesurpriseofsexbutotherwiseillkillthepersonwhotriestosurprisemehappybirthdaymeohyeswhenyouredeadmuhaha**

**A/N(Kupo):** Well that's it! Another chapter. There's no lemon… Even if I promised it… But I'm keeping you at bay with my lime! (Besides… If you REALLY want to read a lemon, go on my account and read the one-shot I wrote. BUTSU BUTSU IU-NA!)

**(Schizo):** I'm in charge of the aftermath! YES! MUAHAHAHAHA! Ah… This story will never die. Sex and humor can't die. It's going on forever. FOREVER. You'll be forty years old (if not already) reading this and it WILL BE GOING ON AND ON AND ON! And we'll make our children continue it after we die and they'll have their children continue it after they die and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on until of course the Apocalypse comes and Satan and God read this, but they think it's genius and wonder how the documents just kept going so by default everyone in Kupo's and my family automatically go to heaven with all the gays and the lesbians and maybe the straight folk who just like to have sex with the same sex even thought they say they're straight but it really doesn't matter because it's fine with us, and so yeah, then we'll be in heaven with angels and maybe some ice cream and cake because it tastes good. I don't think I should have eaten that piece of cherry pie…

**Reviews!**

(Reviews on Kupo's account)

**Schizo and proud:** **Kupo**: Yes, I'm just fine!... Sort of. **Schizo: **Schizo! How dare you question Kupo if he's all right? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SCHIZO? He is your friend! You know DAMN well he's not all right! COME ON! SEE! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE TAKING PRE-CALCULUS OVER AGAIN! IDIOT!

**Shadow Vampiress:** **Kupo**: …Be careful. Don't forget about those monkey testicles that are trying to rape your keyboard! **Schizo: **Who wouldn't want to rape that fine piece of tech-nol-ogy. Mmm…I want a piece of that shit…

**KireiRakuen:** **Kupo**: It IS addicting… isn't it? It's INSANELY addicting. **Schizo: **Of course it's addicting. We put some serious drugs in this story. Duh.

**Fishtank the Stephs:** **Kupo**: Well… It was only three chapters in one day because I just decided to post it up on my account, as well as Schizo's account. Why? … I dunno. **Schizo: **Steph, tee-hee. That's my real name! Well, it's StephANIE, but…same difference. And Kupo is just silly. Tee-hee…silly…

**Anon:** **Kupo**: Sweet Anal Nectar? … That DOES sound dirty. **Schizo: **Sweet Anal Nectar? That sounds like something that would taste good on my pancakes. I want some!

**Animegurl088:** **Kupo**: …Thank you. **Schizo: **Good fic? GOOD FIC? It's not only GOOD, it's…it's…it's G-O-O-D fic. But thank you, sweetie.

**Aelitaclone1251:** **Kupo**: YAY! I HAVE ANOTHER STALKER! w00t! **Schizo: **I forgot how many stalkers I have…I must give them more attention…

(Reviews on Schizo's account)

**KupoWrath:** **Kupo**: Frankly… I think it's about damn time you got this chapter and your one-shot done… I was starting to think about yelling at you! **Schizo: **Kupo, don't be so hard on Kupo… He's a lovely boy who TAKES FOREVER IN UPDATING but he's a lovely boy, bless his heart.

**MoonlightPrincess:** **Kupo**: Well… We are evil people. **Schizo: **Very evil. Roar.

**Shadow Vampiress:** **Kupo**: Don't fear Keiji! …Fear the broccoli suit. **Schizo: **Don't be worried about us… If you do, you'll only get sucked in with us…but it's fun with us…

**Silverlight Neko:** **Kupo**: Thank you! That was a wonderful articulate review of shameless praise! I LOVE it. **Schizo: **Oh crap. She gave me the drug of shameless praise. Damn. Now I have to go back to the rehabilitation center for Shameless-Praise Addicts (SPA)

**Venom syringe:** **Kupo**: I wonder… Is Funabashi ever NOT drunk? Don't you kinda… HAVE to be drunk to be around Keiji as long as he is? **Schizo: **I thought Kevin was drunk…but yeah, Funabashi is always drunk. He's also chalked up full of whiskey and VODKA!

**Disco-Dancing on the Roof:** **Kupo**: Soda out of the nose? …I feel so accomplished right now. (And I'm not even being sarcastic!) **Schizo: **You should have a record deal. You'll make millions with your songwriting genius!

**Angel Born of Darkness:** **Kupo**: Pfft… Who could stay in denial with a hot man licking at your ear? And Daisuke… gets… Keiji. (Says so in this chapter XD) **Schizo: **Daisuke could get anyone… I don't even remember what the pairings are going to end up being anymore… We literally made the plot up in…what? Two minutes?

**DevilintheAngel:** **Kupo**: Well… She was talking to you Schizo… Not me. XD **Schizo: **Um, thank you! I did not know I was one of your favorite authors, but Kupo has to be one too since she is ALSO writing this… No favoritism in here unless you are speaking of both of us! All right, love? All right.

**Insanevegetables:** **Kupo**: Well… I don't really want to die… So here. (And I LOVE your name. XD) **Schizo: **Yeah…we…don't want to die, but if you kill us then your entertainment goes…so…HAH. Think about that. (And yes, your name rules.)

**Lttlemscrzy:** **Kupo**: The craziest person ALWAYS wins dear…**Schizo: **I am just crazy, not the craziest, but one day, ONE DAY I will reach my goal!

**Evil Overlord of my Own Mind:** **Kupo**: Haven't talked to you in forever dear. And the lack of a long review cuts me deep man… /shniffle…/ **Schizo: **You should be ashamed of yourself! You didn't even try on the review! I'm…I'm hurt. I'm…I'm really hurt.

**Kiss to my sweet prince:** **Kupo**: Look! I updated! **Schizo: **Yeah, he updated. And…um, well, sit down and enjoy.

**Hyper Chef:** **Kupo**: …What's going to be your e-mail address? And the pole and the stapler send their regards. **Schizo: **Did your muses enjoy their vacation? I hope they did.

**Aelitaclone1251:** **Kupo**: XD… you reviewed both of the stories? You must REALLY want that lemon! **Schizo: **Wow. She did. You little sex-crazed yaoi fan devil-girl, you…

**It's the voices' fault:** **Kupo**: If Keiji wasn't random… The world would implode. **Schizo: **If Keiji wasn't random, then how the HELL would he keep his job?

**Chisora:** **Kupo**: I love kooky. XD **Schizo: **Kooky spooky, looky!

**N3ko:** **Kupo**: …/blinkblink/… Wow… I was almost expecting you to come through my door to glue me to the chair… IT'S BEEN SEVEN MONTHS! YOU CHICKENED OUT! HAHAHAHAH! **Schizo: **YEAH! But you know, that threat really isn't a threat. I would have actually loved you if you did.

**Kumori-hime:** **Kupo**: …Tic-tacs are insane peoples' crack. **Schizo: **No they aren't/shoves tic-tacs down her throat and violently shakes/ They…they AREN'T!

**Anime Monster:** **Kupo**: w00t! We made someone fangirl! YES! **Schizo: **I have accomplished one of my life goals… just 348 to go…

…So many reviews… I though my eyes were gonna explode.

**Kupo**

To think I started editing and replying to this an hour ago…My god you people are generous.

Cheers-Steph


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